What I wanted to be when I was 10

Prepping a costume for my company's 10th anniv party was at first quite easy. Knowing the venue has al-fresco, I thought I'd go with lots of flowy fabric - chiffon, tulle - so when the wind in the forever summer weather in Manila blows, you get the idea, fabric!

Then the theme was established. Wear something a 10 year old would wear. Or the costume of the person you wanted to be when you were 10. I wanted to become a lot of things when I was 10 so it's just a matter of choosing - Madonna back-up dancer, Smokey Mountain groupmate, be part of the original London cast of Miss Saigon, a Dominican priest assigned in the Vatican, head librarian of UST. I think there's more to the list if you add the time I read my first Vogue which was 2 years later.

Choosing what to "project" was actually the most difficult with this endeavor. Weeks of conceptualizing led to self-introspection and no thanks to Barbie, it got me thinking what I really wanted, what I've been doing to get what I want, to be what I want. 

There's only so much I can do to achieve what I want, the cliches like world peace, sustainable planet, zero poverty, accessible quality education for everybody, yet the most puzzling and most difficult to achieve is what I wanted for myself. I just want to be happy. 

Maybe I'd wear what I usually wear now. My 10-year old self would surely be proud of what I've become, wouldn't he? Yeah, that would do. At least, for the party.

9 January 2023 - Ako ay pag-ibig!

The "friend" I tweeted about yesterday, who dismissed my forlorn emotions listening to Kulay Rosas by Nica del Rosario and the utter frustration about Leni's loss even after a few weeks of election, messaged me. Can't recall which app it was but what I remember was the message was something friendly. 

She used to send me really nice messages at the "peak" of our friendship but it came to a toxic point where I felt like she projects her insecurities to the "always-trying-to-look-at-the-positive-side" me which is why we rarely speak nowadays and also why I was taken aback when I got the message. 

I was wondering whether she messaged me because she saw my tweet or just because she wanted to reach out. I messaged her back saying that the tweet was about her and then everything around me swirled. I didn't get her reaction when I told her that the tweet was about her. I just found myself in the UST Elementary School quadrangle when the swirling stopped.

At the quadrangle, there was a crowd singing "Ako ay pag-ibig". I don't know if there really is such song but people were singing it like how the Les Miz cast sings "Do you hear the people sing?". The harmony was ethereal. I remember joining them to sing it but after a few lines, all the people began disappearing, one by one, until it was just me. 

When I realized that I was the only one left, I noticed that all the buildings are in ruins. Like Manila in the aftermath of World War II based on pictures I've seen. I looked up to this one damaged building and there was a signage. The writing was clear when I first look at it but it becomes blurry the longer I look at it. I can't remember now what was written. I wake up. 3:15am. Back to sleep.

 

8 January 2023 - Fire Meteor Storm

Night time. Sampaloc ancestral house. I was running around frantically inside our house like I was looking for something I've lost. I snapped my fingers ala Thanos and I was magically transported to another place. I have no clue what that place is so I snapped again, both left and right. I was transported again. This time to a beach. There were casitas which I went through one by one until I saw Pen. I was going to ask her if she knows where to find what I was looking for but she had to excuse herself and hurriedly ran after someone she knows who just passed by.  A girl. And then they talked.

I turned around to keep searching and found another person. I saw Pen's boyfriend but it wasn't really her boyfriend. This guy is Chinese (-looking) guy. Not the boyfriend I see in Pen's IG stories. Never knew him from anywhere. Not in reality. He approached me as if starting to have a convo. When he was close enough, I asked him if he knows where to find the thing that I was looking for. 

But then I suddenly saw meteor rain. Not like shooting stars. More like fiery rocks falling from the night sky. The rocks were so close in the atmosphere. People started to panic and run. I ran, pushing aside small plants on the beach until I found the nearest casita for refuge. I went inside and sat in a dark corner, gasping for breath, looking at the sky through the window with fiery rocks still raining. I wake up. Still gasping for breath. 1:37 am. Laundry time.

8th of May, 2015

8th of May, 2015 by Edison

Macchiato Fantasy

Heaven and earth swirling around the caverns of my brain,

Bitter sensation rises in the depths of my cinnamon-stained palate.

"Questions of science" playing in my boggled mind, 
Seafoams haunting my skin, yearning

For the heat of the last trace of summer.

I need you.

Marlboro Man

Smoke clouds vision.
Every inhale kills.
Exhales sadness.
Choc'lit after-taste.
Temporary ecstacy.

Swan Song

like the sea crashes to the shore,
i'll go crash my head to oblivion


like the wind blows on fall,
i'll blow my kisses to eternity


like the sun cuts the night short,
i'll let despair throw my daydreams.


like the swan sings its last song,
i'll take away my voice to the heavens.


i die.